Helpful Suggestions For Handling Your Divorce

#3. Never use children as pawns or go-betweens

Family Court is full of children from so-called broken homes charged with juvenile offenses ranging from using drugs to burglary and truancy. A child in a broken home situation needs to have the security and the knowledge that both parents love them. For a greater explanation of the thoughts that go on in a child's mind, I suggest you read The Boys and Girls Book About Divorce, by Dr. Richard Gardner.

Keep in mind that the "custodial or residential parent" should encourage visitation between the non-custodial and non-residential parents and the child or children.

Under no circumstances should either parent discuss or expose the children to financial problems which exist as a result of one spouse's failure to pay adequate support.

Neither parent should, at any time, speak ill of the other parent in the presence of their child or children or permit anyone else to do so.

There are a number of other excellent books which are designed to assist the respective parents in coping with the fears that children of all ages go through when their parents separate and divorce. I welcome any opportunity to discuss these issues with you or recommend action or supplemental reading material to you.

#4. Never believe the threats of your spouse.

They are designed to frighten you into accepting less of a financial settlement and otherwise make you fearful of going to Court. (As a matter of fact, the vast majority of divorce actions are settles, many on the day of trial, through conference with the Presiding Judge.)

Some threats range from leaving the state to preventing visitation with children. Most are idle. Some are real. All of them have been tried before. The law has provisions for all of them.

#5. Never be afraid to tell me the truth, no matter how bad you think it might be.

Are you engaging in an extramarital sexual relationship? Do you earn money off the books? These and similar important matters must be discussed openly, honestly, and frankly. Precautionary measures must be taken to avoid adverse results during trial.

Remember, preparation IS the key to a successful result in a divorce. Surprises during trial are difficult to combat, and are frequently disastrous. Don't be shy. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, that you could tell me that I have not already heard and then some. Commit to writing all your thoughts and questions. When I review your file, we can further discuss your questions.

#6. Never allow the statements of your spouse or the advice of your family, friend and other acquaintances who have done through matrimonial litigation to undermine your confidence or your relationship with your attorney.

Frequently, one spouse will advise his mate that his Lawyer is "terrific", "knows all the judges", "has friends in court". And otherwise, has a more adept lawyer than you. Remember, these threats are designed to undermine your confidence in your relationship with your divorce attorney. If they succeed, then your ability to work with your attorney is ruined. Similarly, you may have acquaintances who find out about your matrimonial problems and discuss the facts of their case with you. You may well wonder why the approach or theory which your friends so rightly feel was good for them IS. Not being used in your care. You must remember, no two matrimonial cases are alike. Each one IS different; each one has its strengths and weaknesses.

The best way to handle your fears about litigation IS by open and frank discussions with me. I welcome it. In fact, I insist upon it so that you may be fully advised as to the philosophy of your matter, as the reasons why certain choices are being made in your case and other rejected.

Common misconceptions about divorce or separation:

Question: True or False?

IF you are separated by written agreement (a so-called legal separation) or by a Court awarding you a judicial separation, whether contested or not, you are free to commit adultery.

Answer: False

Your spouse can divorce you if he or she can prove that you have committed one act of adultery while you are legally separated, regardless of whether you are separated pursuant to a written agreement or by Court order. A separation does not change your marital status. Only when you are divorced, are you free, in a sense, to engage in an adulterous relationship.

Question: True or False?

After a separation agreement is signed, you must wait one (1) year for a divroce and then is it automatic?

Answer: False

A separation agreement does not waive any rights that you may have to obtain a divorce based upon cruel and inhuman treatment or adultery. It is only when you seek a divorce based upon an existing separation agreement that the law requires you wait for one year after the agreement is signed, and in that event, the divorce is never automatic.

Whoever seeks a divorce pursuant to a separation agreement or judicial separation must establish that he or she has substantially complied with the terms of the separation. The only defense to a judicial separation is the fact that the party seeking the divorce, pursuant to the judicial separation, has not substantially complied with the terms of the separation. There are two defenses, however, to a divorce action founded upon a separation agreement. The second defense is that the parties resumed cohabitation as husband and wife after a separation agreement. Remember, one isolated act or a series of infrequent acts of sexual relations between husband and wife after a separation agreement is signed does not void the separation agreement. However, a resumption of the marital relationship would void the separation agreement, making it useless as a foundation for a subsequent divorce action.

Question: True or False?

A parent who is guilty of adultery IS in greater likelihood of losing custody of his/her children.

Answer: False

The mere commission of adultery also IS not sufficient grounds to deprive a parent of the custody of a child or children. It is, however, one factor to be considered among many which bear upon the welfare of the child or children.

Question: True or False?

A husband or wife can refuse to "sign" for a New York divorce.

Answer: False

This question is nonsense. In the State of New York, neither party "signs" for a divorce. The divorce is granted by a Judge provided that party seeking the divorce proves to the Judge's satisfaction that he or she has sufficient grounds under the laws of the State of New York to be entitled to a divorce. Note, that there a number of foreign countries in which a divorce by "consent" call be obtained. In other cases, "signing" for a divorce is applicable.

#7. Never look back, only forward.

For most people life does not end with a divorce. Rather, it is the beginning of a new life upon which you (hopefully) have gained added knowledge. Perhaps you have learned from past errors, mistakes in judgments, fears or mistrusts, which may have existed in your marriage.

This knowledge should lead to "insight" which can be used to build a firmer and more lasting relationship, or perhaps, even as an aid in making the choice that for you, no permanent relationship is the best course of action.

That choice, if it is made, is as valid as a choice made by another person to remarry.